Banana Wars
by bubblemoon66
Summary: My attempt at humour. Rose and the Doctor have an ongoing prank fight involving Bananas. Originally writin with the lovely zotlot. 10/Rose Warning: Crackfic
1. Chapter 1

_Originally Written with zotlot at 2am while high on chocolate and sugar. The idea was good but my writing sucks, never mind! I doubt this will be update that often since I'm normally bsy with other fic's but reviews are still appreciated. I own nothing._

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"Your going to love Woodstock!" The Doctor shouted over _The Who, _which was playing noisily via the TARDIS speakers, while hitting random buttons on the TARDIS console with a, oversized mallet. Rose laughed. Finally, a proper vacation: no running for their lives, no one attempting to take over the world and nothing attempting to kill them; not that she didn't enjoy those things, it was just it was nice to have a day off every now and again. The TARDIS shuttered and came to a halt with and powerful jolt. "Here we are!" Rose jumped up in excitement and raced to the door, Opened it and took a step outside…

"DOCTOOOOOR!" The Doctor, worried, ran towards the door as fast as he could, before busting into laughter at the sight of fallen companion.

"ITS NOT FUNNY!" Rose said standing up in the middle of a thick, yellow, swamp which smelled suspiciously like fruit. She attempted to wipe the gloop away from her eyes, only succeeding in smearing it even more around her face, "STOP LAUGHING!"

"S..S…Sorry, But I like banana's…" The Doctor said glancing at his companion's murderous expression before bursting into yet another fit of uncontrollable laughter. Rose glared at him even harder, "Okay…okay…" he said offering her a hand up and attempting to calm down.

"Where the hell are we?"

The doctor bent down and dipped a finger in the yellow goop and licked it off, "Hmmm, well judging by the Banana Swamp you've just become acquainted with I'd say…Villengard, home of the banana groves, 52nd Century. Which reminds me we had better stock up on bananas while were here, you never know if we might end up at a fancy dinner party…" He trailed off as he caught Rose's expression, "I'm sorry…?"

"Let's go,"

"But Rose..."

"We are going to Woodstock, _Not _on a hunt for a good source of potassium"

"It's not my fault we just happened to land right next to a swamp (even if it was my fault there's a swamp here in the first place)….If you would have listened to be before, about waiting until I checked for any possible threats then you wouldn't be in this mess. Plus what if I run into any Pre-Revolutionary French Nobles and we don't have any banana's to make a banana daiquiri, what then?"

Rose didn't bother with reply, instead she stalked past, back into the TARDIS, and off to find a nice hot shower, giving her a chance to plot her revenge…


	2. Chapter 2

_hehe, thanks for the reviews. Once again, I do not own._

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Rose finished wrapping her hair in a clean white towel. Exasperated, she sighed, it would take weeks before she would ever get that banana smell out of her hair. Rose stepped out of the bathroom, dressed in blue, cotton PJ's and a warm, fuzzy bathrobe. Still slightly annoyed at the doctor she made her way back to the control room.

"Hey Rose, Do you know why banana's don't snore…?"

Rose stared at the doctor as he weaved his way through massive piles of wooden crates, which a large portion of the TARDIS hub, which were stacked from floor to ceiling. Briefly she wondered how he had managed to get so many crates in here in so little time, she didn't dwell on it though, the doctor had managed more amazing feats before.

"…Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch. Isn't that brilliant?" The doctor said with a laugh. Then, catching sight of her pajamas, "You still want to go to Woodstock, right?"

She shook her head in exasperation, "Yeah, whatever, but maybe we should postpone it until tomorrow."

"That sounds great! It means I've got time to get a couple more crates if you don't want to leave now" He said already making his way cheerfully towards the TARDIS door, and off to find more bananas.

*** Later that Night… ***

Softly as she could, Rose slipped out of bed and crept back into the control room, careful not to trip on any stray boxes. Glowing strips lined the room (similar to the emergency lighting Rose had seen back home at the cinema), and using their dim light, she sneakily grabbed a banana from an open crate and made her way quietly towards the Doctor's room.

The Doctor snored gently as Rose opened the door and tiptoed past his bed. She reached into his trench coat pockets and pulled out the sonic screwdriver, remembering the trick he had played on Jack in his last incarnation. The doctor stirred, making Rose jump and hurriedly she replaced the screwdriver with the accursed yellow fruit she had held in her other hand before silently slipping back to her own room and into bed.


	3. Chapter 3

A brown haired, brown eyed man stepped dressed in pinstripe suit and trench coat stepped out of a blue police box, quickly followed by his wary companion, Rose. Avoiding suspicion they mingled in with the crowds of muddy people standing in the middle of a grimy field.

"Rose, try not to get to drunk, okay?"

"Don't worry, doctor, I'm a responsible adult and anyway the beers probably been mixed with muddy water or something"

"Mixed with something alright" he said darkly, then as an afterthought added, "I wonder if they do banana daiquiris?"

**_*** A few hours later…***_**

The Doctor and Rose stood near the front of the stage, where _The Who _were performing, and off to one of the sides.

"Do you think there's anyway we could get backstage?" Rose asked, swaying drunkly out of time with the music, having completely ignored the Doctor's advice.

"WHAT?" The Doctor shouted over the music, he too had been drinking, although he was only the slightest bit tipsy.

"I SAID: IS THERE ANYWAY WE COULD GET BACKSTAGE?"

He grinned, "Now your talking"

"WHAT?"

"Come on!" With that the he made his way towards the left wing of the stage where a tall, broad-shouldered man stood guard. A slightly drunken Rose staggered after him.

" Where do you think your going?" bouncer said holding out a thick, burly arm preventing the two from entering back-stage.

"Obstructing a D.I. from entering a public area; that could get you up to 12 months in prison and/or a 100 pound fine, I suggest you let me and my young, witty assistant pass before we take further action against you " The Doctor said putting on his smart aleck voice.

"Now wait just a minute, you don't look like no fuzz to me, how do I know your not havin' me on?"

"Your vocabulary is astounding, good sir, but rest assured we are not _'havin' you on'_, as you so creatively put it, we are indeed, as well claim to be, part of the so called _'fuzz'_" The doctor said holding out the psychic paper for him to see.

The bouncer looked baffled at the Doctors use of multiple-syllable words and fancy badge (which appeared on the physic paper, but he held his position"

"Look buddy, I don't know about no 'D.I.s' but me boss says don't let no-one through, and no-one includes decked-out squares or loaded skirt."

"Well, I'm very sorry to here that" the Doctor said attempting to slip past the rather dull bodyguard, who blocked his path once again.

"No-one means no-one"

A (real) police officer head the shout and headed over, "More Troublemakers?" he said with a sigh.

The bigger man nodded, "They said they was some 'G.I.s' or somthin'"

"Right then you two; why don't you just run along and go watch the show"

Rose, intoxicated, decided to push past the two men. The officer grabbed her arm to stop her, she struggled, "Oi, let go of me! How dare you treat someone knighted by Queen Victoria herself this way"

"Now, look miss, if you keep ignoring us, I'll have to escort you off the premises"

Rose continued to struggle, "Doctoooor!"

It was the classic 'Companion screams for Doctor's help and Doctor helps her' situation. And the Doctor always had a plan for such scenarios.

"Okay, everybody just stand back, I have an intergalactic space weapon and I'm not afraid to use it!" The Doctor shouted pulling what he believed to be the sonic screw driver out of his trench coat pocket.

"A banana, sir?"

He glanced down at what he was holding.

"Yeah, a banana, intergalactic space weapon banana….thing"

"We'll take back you to your space ship," The police officer said looking as if to say 'What the hell are you on?' He grabbed the Doctors arm with his free and lead the two through muddy fields and rough crowds until he reached the a telltale-blue police box"

He opened the door of the box, shoved them inside and slammed the door shut, "Right then, you two just stay in here for a while until whatever you've had's warn off"

Rose staggered and caught the railing by the TARDIS door as she swayed from the effect of the alcohol. The doctor looked slightly confused at the police man's strange words but shrugged it off and said commented allowed sincerely, "What a nice man"

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_**60's slang:**  
Fuzz - Police  
Square - Uncool person  
Decked Out - Dressed up  
Loaded - Drunk  
Skirt - Girl_

_**Disclaimer:** Nope, I still don't own it  
**Sidenote:** Thank you very much everyone, for the reviews. I doubt this will be updated that often since I'm focusing on some of my other fics insted._


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning the doctor sat at the TARDIS's kitchen table munching on a bowel of wheat-a-bix, sliced banana and milk. Rose staggered in clutching her head in agony. She made a cup of tea and sat down beside him, "How could you let me get that wasted?" She moaned, "My head feels like an elephant decided to tap dance and learn to play the saxophone at the same time. What the hell happened last night, I can hardly remember where we were…Was I hallucinating or were we really in Woodstock with a bunch of giant purple dinosaurs…"

"Ummm…Rose…?" The Doctor interrupted,

Rose didn't seem to hear, or if she did she just ignored him, "…HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN! Ouch! That was way to loud…"

"Rose!"

"WHAT!" Rose snapped back, "My head really hurts and I don't need to hear you whinge on about how great Edgar Allen Poe's poetry is or whatever"

"Well, I just though you might be interested in this" he said holding up a bottle of shimmering blue liquid, "It's a cure for all hangovers"

"Then why the hell did you let me moan on?!" She yelled attempting to snatch the vial away from him.

He tutted amused, "Not until you tell me where the sonic screw driver is"

"What sonic screw driver?"

"_My _Sonic Screwdriver"

"I really have no idea what you're talking about"

"Do you want the cure or not?"

"Okay, fine" Rose said disappearing from the room before reappearing a minute later, purse in hand. She pulled out the sonic screw driver and set the purse down on the table.

"Hand over the screwdriver"

"I want the cure first"

He sighed and set it down on the table and Rose handed him the sonic screwdriver before picking up the hangover cure and greedily gulping it down. "Urgh…I'm going to go take a shower now" Rose said a minute later, her head beginning to clear.

The moment Rose was gone the Doctor picked up a banana and began rotting through Rose's purse, he pulled out her phone and replaced it with the yellow fruit…that would show her for messing with intergalactic space weapons…


	5. Chapter 5

The Doctor and Rose waited patiently as elevator music played while they made there way upwards in the slow moving lift which led to the sliding-door entrance of Retail Satellite 0035.  
"You know, in the future I thought there'd be teleporting stations or floo powder or escalators that could travel at the speed of light" Rose said as the elevator groaned to a halt several hundred floors to early and an elderly Silurian gentleman stepped into the lift and they continued there ascent.

"Floo powder?"

"Yeah, you know, like Harry Potter"

"Uhh, you do know that's just a book… right Rose?" The Doctor said with a strange expression on his face.

She rolled her eyes, "It was just an example"

He looked relived, "Oh that's good, for a minute there I thought you'd caught OFGD903"

Now it was Rose's turn to be confused, "OF-What?"

"Obsessive-Fan-Girl-Disorder Type 903: Anything relating to the HP -that's Harry Potter- universe, a class π disorder, rated the 5980101.3rd most deadly disease in the universe"

"Righhhhhhtttttt….." Rose acknowledged, struggling to take the large bank of information in. Even the Silurian reptilian-man looked uncomfortable and pressed the emergency stop button before sliding out the elevator doors as it stopped once again, only this time between to separate levels. He climbed out of the shaft and the Doctor pulled out his newly relinquished screwdriver to shut the door. He then twisted a few more knobs and the lift zoomed up the last 692 floors in a few seconds. The door made a high pitched 'binging' sound as the doors swung open and out stepped the Doctor and his companion.

"Why didn't you just do that 3 hours ago when we first got on the lift?" Rose demanded. He shrugged, "And miss telling you about OFGD's: The unknown killers?"

"Why do you know that stuff, anyway?"

He shrugged again, "I'm a Doctor, it's my job. People need to learn to voice these issues otherwise people _**will **_die. Just look at the facts: more people die form Fan-Girl Disorders than they do from juggling cantaloupes on their heads down _Mt. Everest II. _in June wearing nothing but their underwear."

"And how many people have died doing that?"

He paused and did a few calculations using his fingers, Rose waited patiently as he finished adding the numbers together, "Three"

"Three?" She confirmed.

"Yes, three…-Oh look over there Rose!" He exclaimed. pointing at a second hand gadget shop. He grabbed her hand and began dragging her towards the shop. She pulled away, annoyed at him for acting like a spoilt child, "I'll meet you back here, by the lift in 2 hours, okay?"

He showed no sign of having heard her and disappeared into the vast alien crowds. 'Typical' she thought, observing the crowds around her. There were hundreds of different races, the majority human, or at least humanoid, but it wasn't hard to find some other species as well. And they were all shopping. The scale of it was enormous and this was just one floor, yet she could see hundreds of stores selling every item she could imagine and then some.

"Excuse me, Miss, care to take a leaflet?" Rose jumped as what appeared to be a gorilla tapped her shoulder. He handed her a leaflet, she glanced at it and read aloud:

"Fandom Disorders: No longer just for femininities of the species"

"Yes, have you heard of it?"

"Well I've heard of OFGD" Rose said, thankful that the Doctor had said something useful for once.

"Well that's a start. But the term is politically incorrect, I was once diagnosed with Type 1007 of the disease. Also known as the Whovian complexity. But am I a girl? No! This is an outrage!" He pounded his meaty fists together, overrun with emotion.

"The name should be changed, I was thinking OFPD! Yes?!"

"Uh, yeah. Go for it! I'll make sure I spread the word to all my friends and…stuff…" She finished lamely. Truthfully she really didn't understand why it mattered but she hardly wanted to disagree with an emotional 500 pound talking alien gorilla. "…in fact I think I see one of them now, excuse me for a moment…" Rose said dashing into the nearest shop.

It was packed inside, for which Rose was grateful for until someone stepped on her toe, then she just became annoyed.

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And if any of you were curious as to what the leaflet said:

_Obsessive Fan Girl Disorder: The Unknown Killer  
Symptoms may include: Drooling, Hyperventilating, Naming pets and/or children after characters, Speaking in tongues, Using multi-syllable words, Squeeing, Reading/Writing fan fiction, Making up random diseases, Buying; posters, coffee mugs, t-shirts or any other official merchandise etc._

_OFGD is a killer. Please help spread the word and protect your loved ones by telling all you friends, family and your plumber. Remember OFGD can happen to anyone. Even You. If you suspect you or anyone you know to have OFGD please report to the nearest mental institution immediately. DO NOT APPROACH VICTIM. This disease is highly contagious and you may be 'glopped', suffer hearing damage due to squeeing and/or maulled for not being a fan. If you suspect a shipping war please call the FBI, MI5 or equivalent to report details._

Hehe, I think zotlot will be the only one to actually get this joke…


End file.
